Emotional Intelligence 2.0
By Travis Bradberry
“Emotional intelligence is your ability to recognize and understand emotions in yourself and others, and your ability to use this awareness to manage your behavior and relationships.”
IQ vs. EQ
Contrary to popular believe, IQ is not the best predictor of how people perform in work or leadership. Rather, Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is “the single biggest predictor of performance in the workplace and the strongest driver of leadership and personal excellence.”
Unlike IQ, which is essentially fixed from birth, EQ is not fixed. We can learn and grow in our Emotional Intelligence as we understand ourselves and others better.
WHY IS EQ IMPORTANT?
“The daily challenge of dealing effectively with emotions is critical to the human condition because our brains are hard-wired to give emotions the upper hand. Here’s how it works: everything you see, smell, hear, taste and touch travels through your body in the form of electric signals. These signals pass from cell to cell until they reach their ultimate destination, your brain. They enter your brain at the base near the spinal cord, but must travel to your frontal lobe (behind your forehead) before reaching the place where rational, logical thinking takes place. The trouble is, they pass through your limbic system along the way—the place where emotions are produced. This journey ensures you experience things emotionally before your reason can kick into gear.”
“Since our brains are wired to make us emotional creatures, your first reaction to an event is always going to be an emotional one. You have no control over this part of the process. You do control the thoughts that follow an emotion, and you have a great deal of say in how you react to an emotion—as long as you are aware of it.”
If we are unaware of other’s emotions, we are like an elephant with bad eyesight that keeps stepping on people’s toes. People don’t like their toes being squashed by an elephant, and people don’t like to have their emotions hurt either. Learning about EQ is like getting glasses and being able to see where people’s feet are. We are all still like elephants, but if we can know how to navigate relationships we will step on people’s toes a lot less. This will allow us to lead, love and minister to others better. People will trust us when they know that we are trying not to step on their toes. If we are completely oblivious that we are stepping on other’s toes and hurting people, they will not trust us and will distance themselves from us because of self preservation.
If you want to influence others, you need EQ.
HOW DO WE GROW OUR EQ?
We first need to be aware of ourself, then to manage ourself. Once we can do that, we can learn to be aware of other’s emotions and to manage relationships better. In each of these areas, different practical strategies are given to improve our EQ. Because this book on Amazon comes with a code to take an EQ test, it can serve as a guide to help us find our areas of weakness. If there is an area that we are especially weak (for example, in reading body language or being an active listener) we can read a more comprehensive book on the subject. But we don’t know what we don’t know. This book helps us find out where we are weak so we can know what areas need improvement.
SELF-AWARENESS STRATEGIES
Emotions even effect your physical health: “You will benefit tremendously from learning to recognize your first signs of stress. The human mind and body—at least when it comes to stress—have voices of their own. They tell you through emotional and physiological reactions when it’s time to slow down and take a break…For you, intense stress and anxiety may create an upset stomach, while for others the physical signs can be a pounding headache, canker sores, or their backs going out…Your self-awareness in times of stress should serve as your third ear to listen to your body’s cries for help. Your body speaks volumes when you push it too hard. Take the time to recognize these signals and recharge your emotional battery before your stress causes permanent damage to your system.”
SELF-MANAGEMENT STRATEGIES
From #16:
“If you want to become an adept self-manager, you need to give your mind a fighting chance, and a lot of this, surprisingly, comes down to how you treat your body. When you take time out of your day to get your blood flowing and keep your body healthy, it gives your mind an important break—the most significant rest and recharge you can give your brain beyond sleep. While intense physical activity is ideal, other more relaxing and equally invigorating diversions can also have a great effect on your mind. Yoga, massage, gardening or a stroll through the park are all relaxing ways to give your mind a breather…These activities—though none more so than vigorous exercise—release chemicals in your brain like serotonin and endorphins that recharge it and help to keep you happy and alert. They also engage and strengthen areas in your brain that are responsible for good decision-making, planning, organization, and rational thinking.”
SOCIAL AWARENESS STRATEGIES
“Social awareness is your ability to accurately pick up on emotions in other people and understand what is really going on with them. This often means perceiving what other people are thinking and feeling even if you do not feel the same way.”
In working with others and leading others, we need to be aware of their emotions. I remember reading a book on body language when I was 35, it was like learning a new language. I saw things I had never seen before. Similarly, learning to ask open questions (See “The Coach Model”) also allowed me to truly hear what people wanted. Books like “See Me as a Person” helped me to notice what was really bothering people. All of these things can be helpful in serving & loving others. If we are aware of their emotions, we can better serve them.
RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT STRATEGIES
“Relationship management is your ability to use your awareness of your own emotions and those of others to manage interactions successfully.”
Number 13 (Explain Your Decisions, Don’t Just Make Them) has been especially helpful to me:
“It’s frightening to be in a place you’re not familiar with and be completely in the dark. Case in point—have you ever planned to go camping but got to the site in the dark? It’s hard to get your bearings, you’re setting up a tent in the dark, and because you’re in the wilderness, it’s just eerily quiet and black. You go to bed with one eye open and hope for the best. The next day, you wake up tired and unzip your tent, and you’re amazed at the beauty around you: water, mountains, tree-lined trails, and cute little animals abound. There’s nothing to be afraid of—you soon forget last night’s anxieties, and you move about your day. What were you so worried about, anyway? The only difference between these two scenarios is light—it’s the same place, and you’re with the same people with the same gear. This is what people experience when decisions are made for them. When you are in the dark, intentionally or not, about upcoming layoffs, contract negotiations, and the like, you may as well be setting up camp in blackness. If there are layoffs that increase your workload or change your shift, you’ll find out when the pink slips are handed out. If taxes are changed, you’ll see it on your paycheck. No recourse, no trial period. It’s a done deal. That’s a tough pill to swallow because we’re not children or dependents; we’re adults. To support an idea, we need to understand why the decision was made. When you use your EQ to manage relationships, keep this in mind.
Instead of making a change and expecting others to just accept it, take time to explain the why behind the decision, including alternatives, and why the final choice made the most sense. If you can ask for ideas and input ahead of time, it’s even better. Finally, acknowledge how the decision will affect everyone. People appreciate this transparency and openness, even though the decision may negatively impact them. Transparency and openness also make people feel like they are trusted, respected, and connected to their organization—instead of being told what to do and kept in the dark. If you have a habit of making decisions quickly and independently, you’re likely very personally competent. Though old habits die hard, since they’re ingrained in your brain’s wiring, it’s time to rewire and add social competence to your decision-making repertoire. First, you’ll likely have to spot your upcoming decisions. Take out your calendar to look over the next three months to identify which decisions will need to be made by then. Now work backward and see who will be impacted by these decisions. Make a complete list of who will be affected by each decision and plan on when and where you will talk together about each, including the details that explain why and how each decision will be made. If you have to invite people to a special meeting for just this purpose, so be it. As you plan your agenda and your words, use your social awareness skills to put yourself in the shoes of others, so you can speak to your audience before and after you make the decision as they would expect and hope.”
SUMMARY
Understanding our emotions will reveal areas in our life where we need to grow.
Understanding other’s emotions will reveal the way that we can best love others as ourself. It will change how we love, how we lead, and how we serve.
PERSONAL APPLICATION
The biggest area that I need growth in was Self Awareness. Being aware of our emotions can be a useful tool in God’s hands to reveal areas that He wants to root out sin in our life and make us more like Him. Here is one takeaway that God used this awareness in my life:
God used this quote on Self Awareness (being aware of our own emotions as they happen) to challenge some good heart searching:
“The only way to genuinely understand your emotions is to spend enough time thinking through them to figure out where they come from and why they are there. Emotions always serve a purpose. Because they are your reactions to the world around you, emotions always come from somewhere. Many times emotions seem to arise out of thin air, and it’s important to understand why something gets a reaction out of you.”
Being someone who is naturally terrible at understanding my emotions, this has been something that I have been trying to work on. I took some time to really evaluate a few different negative emotions and jot down my thoughts on where they come from.
Negative emotions:
When I become defensive (even internally defensive) it is usually because I want to be right or look right. Pride is probably the root cause because I want others to think I am adequate, smart, good leader, etc. However, when I am focused on others and the greater good of seeing the gospel spread, I am not defensive.
If I feel frustration when others do something that I don't approve of or that disrupts my plans…pride is again probably the root cause. When I think that my way is better I’m forgetting to see things from others’ perspective or forget that I also make unintentional mistakes all the time. I need to give other the same grace and understanding that I extend to myself. See the best motives in others, not malice or foolishness.
Don’t tell yourself stories to justify your frustration. It is just your pride telling stories so that you will feel better about yourself. It is your pride justifying being upset, angry or sarcastic. It is your pride saying: “I would never do something THAT stupid because I am not that stupid.” Frustration is also pride saying: “You are more important than this. How could someone treat you this way?”
Sometimes our frustration is at events outside other’s control. Events controlled by God. We are frustrated because God isn’t following our plan. Even though we would never say that, that is what our actions are showing is in our heart. We are frustrated that our perfect plans are not being followed. We think our plan is the best one (and completely forget about God’s plan). Again, pride at work.
My life isn’t about me. It’s about God.
As I evaluated many of those negative emotions of frustration or anger (even if I never lash out), I was shocked to see how much of it really has more to do with ME than with the other person. The root was my pride responding to something. Many of those negative emotions were when my pride felt attacked and it reared up in response. All that to say, it has really challenged me to carefully evaluate each time I begin to get frustrated, upset or sarcastic and ask myself if pride is the root. If it is, I lay it before that Lord and begin to battle it daily.
IQ vs. EQ
Contrary to popular believe, IQ is not the best predictor of how people perform in work or leadership. Rather, Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is “the single biggest predictor of performance in the workplace and the strongest driver of leadership and personal excellence.”
Unlike IQ, which is essentially fixed from birth, EQ is not fixed. We can learn and grow in our Emotional Intelligence as we understand ourselves and others better.
WHY IS EQ IMPORTANT?
“The daily challenge of dealing effectively with emotions is critical to the human condition because our brains are hard-wired to give emotions the upper hand. Here’s how it works: everything you see, smell, hear, taste and touch travels through your body in the form of electric signals. These signals pass from cell to cell until they reach their ultimate destination, your brain. They enter your brain at the base near the spinal cord, but must travel to your frontal lobe (behind your forehead) before reaching the place where rational, logical thinking takes place. The trouble is, they pass through your limbic system along the way—the place where emotions are produced. This journey ensures you experience things emotionally before your reason can kick into gear.”
“Since our brains are wired to make us emotional creatures, your first reaction to an event is always going to be an emotional one. You have no control over this part of the process. You do control the thoughts that follow an emotion, and you have a great deal of say in how you react to an emotion—as long as you are aware of it.”
If we are unaware of other’s emotions, we are like an elephant with bad eyesight that keeps stepping on people’s toes. People don’t like their toes being squashed by an elephant, and people don’t like to have their emotions hurt either. Learning about EQ is like getting glasses and being able to see where people’s feet are. We are all still like elephants, but if we can know how to navigate relationships we will step on people’s toes a lot less. This will allow us to lead, love and minister to others better. People will trust us when they know that we are trying not to step on their toes. If we are completely oblivious that we are stepping on other’s toes and hurting people, they will not trust us and will distance themselves from us because of self preservation.
If you want to influence others, you need EQ.
HOW DO WE GROW OUR EQ?
We first need to be aware of ourself, then to manage ourself. Once we can do that, we can learn to be aware of other’s emotions and to manage relationships better. In each of these areas, different practical strategies are given to improve our EQ. Because this book on Amazon comes with a code to take an EQ test, it can serve as a guide to help us find our areas of weakness. If there is an area that we are especially weak (for example, in reading body language or being an active listener) we can read a more comprehensive book on the subject. But we don’t know what we don’t know. This book helps us find out where we are weak so we can know what areas need improvement.
SELF-AWARENESS STRATEGIES
- Quit Treating Your Feelings as Good or Bad
- Observe the Ripple Effect from Your Emotions
- Lean into Your Discomfort
- Feel Your Emotions Physically
- Know Who and What Pushes Your Buttons
- Watch Yourself Like a Hawk . . .
- Keep a Journal about Your Emotions
- Don’t Be Fooled by a Bad Mood
- Don’t Be Fooled by a Good Mood, Either
- Stop and Ask Yourself Why You Do the Things You Do
- Visit Your Values
- Check Yourself
- Spot Your Emotions in Books, Movies, and Music
- Seek Feedback
- Get to Know Yourself under Stress
Emotions even effect your physical health: “You will benefit tremendously from learning to recognize your first signs of stress. The human mind and body—at least when it comes to stress—have voices of their own. They tell you through emotional and physiological reactions when it’s time to slow down and take a break…For you, intense stress and anxiety may create an upset stomach, while for others the physical signs can be a pounding headache, canker sores, or their backs going out…Your self-awareness in times of stress should serve as your third ear to listen to your body’s cries for help. Your body speaks volumes when you push it too hard. Take the time to recognize these signals and recharge your emotional battery before your stress causes permanent damage to your system.”
SELF-MANAGEMENT STRATEGIES
- Breathe Right
- Create an Emotion vs. Reason List
- Make Your Goals Public
- Count to Ten
- Sleep On It
- Talk To a Skilled Self-Manager
- Smile and Laugh More
- Set Aside Some Time in Your Day for Problem Solving
- Take Control of Your Self-Talk
- Visualize Yourself Succeeding
- Clean Up Your Sleep Hygiene
- Focus Your Attention on Your Freedoms Rather than Your Limitations
- Stay Synchronized
- Speak to Someone Who is Not Emotionally Invested in Your Problem
- Learn a Valuable Lesson from Everyone You Encounter
- Put a Mental Recharge into Your Schedule
- Accept That Change is Just around the Corner
From #16:
“If you want to become an adept self-manager, you need to give your mind a fighting chance, and a lot of this, surprisingly, comes down to how you treat your body. When you take time out of your day to get your blood flowing and keep your body healthy, it gives your mind an important break—the most significant rest and recharge you can give your brain beyond sleep. While intense physical activity is ideal, other more relaxing and equally invigorating diversions can also have a great effect on your mind. Yoga, massage, gardening or a stroll through the park are all relaxing ways to give your mind a breather…These activities—though none more so than vigorous exercise—release chemicals in your brain like serotonin and endorphins that recharge it and help to keep you happy and alert. They also engage and strengthen areas in your brain that are responsible for good decision-making, planning, organization, and rational thinking.”
SOCIAL AWARENESS STRATEGIES
- Greet People by Name
- Watch Body Language
- Make Timing Everything
- Develop a Back-pocket Question
- Don’t Take Notes at Meetings
- Plan Ahead for Social Gatherings
- Clear Away the Clutter
- Live in the Moment
- Go on a 15-minute Tour
- Watch EQ at the Movies
- Practice the Art of Listening
- Go People Watching
- Understand the Rules of the Culture Game
- Test for Accuracy
- Step into Their Shoes
- Seek the Whole Picture
- Catch the Mood of the Room
“Social awareness is your ability to accurately pick up on emotions in other people and understand what is really going on with them. This often means perceiving what other people are thinking and feeling even if you do not feel the same way.”
In working with others and leading others, we need to be aware of their emotions. I remember reading a book on body language when I was 35, it was like learning a new language. I saw things I had never seen before. Similarly, learning to ask open questions (See “The Coach Model”) also allowed me to truly hear what people wanted. Books like “See Me as a Person” helped me to notice what was really bothering people. All of these things can be helpful in serving & loving others. If we are aware of their emotions, we can better serve them.
RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT STRATEGIES
- Be Open and Be Curious
- Enhance Your Natural Communication Style
- Avoid Giving Mixed Signals
- Remember the Little Things That Pack a Punch
- Take Feedback Well
- Build Trust
- Have an “Open-door” Policy
- Only Get Mad on Purpose
- Don’t Avoid the Inevitable
- Acknowledge the Other Person’s Feelings
- Complement the Person’s Emotions or Situation
- When You Care, Show It
- Explain Your Decisions, Don’t Just Make Them
- Make Your Feedback Direct and Constructive
- Align Your Intention with Your Impact
- Offer a “Fix-it” Statement during a Broken Conversation
- Tackle a Tough Conversation
“Relationship management is your ability to use your awareness of your own emotions and those of others to manage interactions successfully.”
Number 13 (Explain Your Decisions, Don’t Just Make Them) has been especially helpful to me:
“It’s frightening to be in a place you’re not familiar with and be completely in the dark. Case in point—have you ever planned to go camping but got to the site in the dark? It’s hard to get your bearings, you’re setting up a tent in the dark, and because you’re in the wilderness, it’s just eerily quiet and black. You go to bed with one eye open and hope for the best. The next day, you wake up tired and unzip your tent, and you’re amazed at the beauty around you: water, mountains, tree-lined trails, and cute little animals abound. There’s nothing to be afraid of—you soon forget last night’s anxieties, and you move about your day. What were you so worried about, anyway? The only difference between these two scenarios is light—it’s the same place, and you’re with the same people with the same gear. This is what people experience when decisions are made for them. When you are in the dark, intentionally or not, about upcoming layoffs, contract negotiations, and the like, you may as well be setting up camp in blackness. If there are layoffs that increase your workload or change your shift, you’ll find out when the pink slips are handed out. If taxes are changed, you’ll see it on your paycheck. No recourse, no trial period. It’s a done deal. That’s a tough pill to swallow because we’re not children or dependents; we’re adults. To support an idea, we need to understand why the decision was made. When you use your EQ to manage relationships, keep this in mind.
Instead of making a change and expecting others to just accept it, take time to explain the why behind the decision, including alternatives, and why the final choice made the most sense. If you can ask for ideas and input ahead of time, it’s even better. Finally, acknowledge how the decision will affect everyone. People appreciate this transparency and openness, even though the decision may negatively impact them. Transparency and openness also make people feel like they are trusted, respected, and connected to their organization—instead of being told what to do and kept in the dark. If you have a habit of making decisions quickly and independently, you’re likely very personally competent. Though old habits die hard, since they’re ingrained in your brain’s wiring, it’s time to rewire and add social competence to your decision-making repertoire. First, you’ll likely have to spot your upcoming decisions. Take out your calendar to look over the next three months to identify which decisions will need to be made by then. Now work backward and see who will be impacted by these decisions. Make a complete list of who will be affected by each decision and plan on when and where you will talk together about each, including the details that explain why and how each decision will be made. If you have to invite people to a special meeting for just this purpose, so be it. As you plan your agenda and your words, use your social awareness skills to put yourself in the shoes of others, so you can speak to your audience before and after you make the decision as they would expect and hope.”
SUMMARY
Understanding our emotions will reveal areas in our life where we need to grow.
Understanding other’s emotions will reveal the way that we can best love others as ourself. It will change how we love, how we lead, and how we serve.
PERSONAL APPLICATION
The biggest area that I need growth in was Self Awareness. Being aware of our emotions can be a useful tool in God’s hands to reveal areas that He wants to root out sin in our life and make us more like Him. Here is one takeaway that God used this awareness in my life:
God used this quote on Self Awareness (being aware of our own emotions as they happen) to challenge some good heart searching:
“The only way to genuinely understand your emotions is to spend enough time thinking through them to figure out where they come from and why they are there. Emotions always serve a purpose. Because they are your reactions to the world around you, emotions always come from somewhere. Many times emotions seem to arise out of thin air, and it’s important to understand why something gets a reaction out of you.”
Being someone who is naturally terrible at understanding my emotions, this has been something that I have been trying to work on. I took some time to really evaluate a few different negative emotions and jot down my thoughts on where they come from.
Negative emotions:
When I become defensive (even internally defensive) it is usually because I want to be right or look right. Pride is probably the root cause because I want others to think I am adequate, smart, good leader, etc. However, when I am focused on others and the greater good of seeing the gospel spread, I am not defensive.
If I feel frustration when others do something that I don't approve of or that disrupts my plans…pride is again probably the root cause. When I think that my way is better I’m forgetting to see things from others’ perspective or forget that I also make unintentional mistakes all the time. I need to give other the same grace and understanding that I extend to myself. See the best motives in others, not malice or foolishness.
Don’t tell yourself stories to justify your frustration. It is just your pride telling stories so that you will feel better about yourself. It is your pride justifying being upset, angry or sarcastic. It is your pride saying: “I would never do something THAT stupid because I am not that stupid.” Frustration is also pride saying: “You are more important than this. How could someone treat you this way?”
Sometimes our frustration is at events outside other’s control. Events controlled by God. We are frustrated because God isn’t following our plan. Even though we would never say that, that is what our actions are showing is in our heart. We are frustrated that our perfect plans are not being followed. We think our plan is the best one (and completely forget about God’s plan). Again, pride at work.
My life isn’t about me. It’s about God.
As I evaluated many of those negative emotions of frustration or anger (even if I never lash out), I was shocked to see how much of it really has more to do with ME than with the other person. The root was my pride responding to something. Many of those negative emotions were when my pride felt attacked and it reared up in response. All that to say, it has really challenged me to carefully evaluate each time I begin to get frustrated, upset or sarcastic and ask myself if pride is the root. If it is, I lay it before that Lord and begin to battle it daily.
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