How to Win Friends and Influence People
By Dale Carnegie
“How to Win Friends and Influence People” has been one of my most influential books. It has completely changed my life by helping me to better understand myself and others.
How?
I read it through this lens: How can I better understand myself and others so I can “love my neighbor as myself”?
As I understand myself and others better, I can then be better prepared to give others what they most desire.
“Most people go through college and learn to read Virgil and master the mysteries of calculus without ever discovering how their own minds function.”
You don’t know what you don’t know. This book helped me discover many things I didn’t know.
I’m not the only one who has benefited. Over 30 million copies have been sold making this one best-selling books of all time.
While many books will help build your technical skills, this book helps you build your relational skills. Technical skills and knowledge are useless if you can’t work well with people.
Yet, if you are like me I didn’t pick this book up for over a decade. It sat on my parents bookshelf, but I never picked it up till I was 31.
Why? Because of the title.
First, I interpreted the word “influence” to mean “manipulate”.
Second, I had plenty of friends. I thought reading the book would be like admitting I was inept at making friends or some sort of social misfit.
However, I was wrong on both counts.
My first reservation was best answered by the author.
“The principles taught in this book will work only when they come from the heart. I am not advocating a bag of tricks. I am talking about a new way of life.”
Or in the words of Henry Ford:
“If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.”
This book doesn’t teach you to manipulate others, it teaches you to understand others.
My second reservation was answered by this realization:
I may not feel the need to win many new friends, but what about the friends and family I already have? Wouldn’t I like to know how to be a better friend, parent or husband? Wouldn’t I like to know how to show love in a better way?
I was glad I took the time to learn. I only wish I could go back and read this book a decade earlier. It would have altered countless conversations, relationships and opportunities.
Don’t make the same mistake I did.
How important are the skills learned in this book?
“The ability to deal with people is as purchasable a commodity as sugar or coffee, and I will pay more for the ability than for any other under the sun.” - John D. Rockefeller
If you don’t have time to read it, you could try listening to it (you can even find the audiobook on Youtube).
Book Overview:
Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
- Don’t criticize, condemn or complain
- Give honest and sincere appreciation
- Arouse in the other person an eager want
Six Ways to Make People Like You
- Become genuinely interested in other people
- Smile
- Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language
- Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves
- Talk in terms of the other person’s interests
- Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely
How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking
- The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
- Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, ‘You’re wrong’
- If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically
- Begin in a friendly way
- Get the other person saying ‘yes, yes’ immediately
- Let the other person do a great deal of the talking
- Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers
- Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view
- Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires
- Appeal to the nobler motives
- Dramatize your ideas
- Throw down a challenge
Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment
- Begin with praise and honest appreciation
- Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly
- Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person
- Ask questions instead of giving direct orders
- Let the other person save face
- Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be ‘hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise’
- Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to
- Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct
- Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest
Book Summary:
Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
1. Don’t criticize, condemn or complain
We rarely if ever criticize ourself for anything, no matter what it is. When we criticize others they instantly go on the defensive as they try to justify their actions. It also wounds their pride, damages their sense of importance and makes them resent us.
Both people and pets learn best when rewarded for good behavior over being punished for bad behavior. When we criticize, we are not helping people grow and change, we are making them rationalize their current behavior.
“When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.”
“Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance and arouses resentment.”
“Criticisms are like homing pigeons. They always return home.”
“Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbor’s roof when your own doorstep is unclean.” — Confucius
“I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. There is nothing that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.” — Charles Schwab
2. Give honest and sincere appreciation
“The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”
Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
How do you make people feel important? By appreciation and encouragement.
“I have yet to find the person, however great or exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than he would ever do under a spirit of criticism.”
There is a difference between appreciation and flattery. One is admired and the other is universally condemned. Appreciation should be heartfelt and sincere and comes from not focusing on ourself. Flattery is selfish and insincere. It is just telling them what they think and is easily detected.
“A great man shows his greatness by the way he treats little men.” — Thomas Carlyle
“I will speak ill of no man… and speak all the good I know of everybody.” — Benjamin Franklin
3. Arouse in the other person an eager want
“The only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it… you may want to persuade somebody to do something. Before you speak, pause and ask yourself: ‘How can I make this person want to do it?’”
“If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.” Note: This does not mean manipulating someone. It is learning to truly look for mutually beneficial solutions. That can only happen when you are able to see what the other person wants and then find a solution to help them achieve that goal.
“There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything…. and that is by making the other person want to do it. Remember, there is no other way.”
“Every act you have ever performed since the day you were born was performed because you wanted something.”
“First arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.” — Hard A. Overstreet
6 Ways to Make People Like You:
1. Become genuinely interested in other people
“You can make more friends in two months by being interested in them, than in two years by making them interested in you… If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people – things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness”.
“It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.” — Alfred Adler
“We are interested in others when they are interested in us.” — Publius Syrus
2. Smile
“The expression one wears on one’s face is far more important than the clothes one wears on one’s back.”
Our smiles can brighten other’s days and has the ability to communicate joy to others without even speaking a word.
“Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not. Thus the sovereign voluntary path to cheerfulness, if our cheerfulness be lost, is to sit up cheerfully and act and speak as if cheerfulness were already there.” — William James
“Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” — Abraham Lincoln
3. Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language
“The average person is more interested in their own name than in all the other names in the world put together.”
“Remember that name and call it easily, and you have paid a subtle and very effective compliment. But forget it or misspell – it and you have placed yourself at a sharp disadvantage.”
A simple technique to memorize names:
1. If you don’t hear the name distinctly, ask the person to repeat it
2. Ask for the spelling if you don’t know it
3. Repeat the name several times during your conversation
4. Associate the name with the person’s features, expression, and general appearance
5. Write it down later so you can visualize the name as well
4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves
“Exclusive attention to the person who is speaking to you is very important. Nothing else is so flattering as that.”
“If you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments. Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems. A person’s toothache means more to that person than a famine in China which kills a million people.”
“Sympathy the human species universally craves. The child eagerly displays his injury; or even inflicts a cut or bruise in order to reap abundant sympathy. For the dame purpose adults… show their bruises, relate their accidents, illness, especially details of surgical operations. ‘Self-pity’ for misfortunes real or imaginary is, in some measure, practically a universal practice.” — Dr. Arthur I. Gates
5. Talk in terms of the other person’s interests
Whenever Roosevelt expected a visitor, he stayed up late the night before, researching the subjects he knew his guest was particularly interested.
“Roosevelt knew that the royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.”
“Almost every successful person likes to reminisce about their early struggles.” Doing so will not only improve your relationship, it might enlarge your life.
6. Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely
“Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.” - Jesus Christ
Use little phrases like “I’m sorry to trouble you,” “Would you be so kind as to – ?” “Would you mind?” and “Thank you.”
“Almost all the people you meet feel superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their heats is to let them realize in some subtle way that you realize their importance and recognize it sincerely.”
“Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours.” — Benjamin Disraeli
How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking
1. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
“You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lost it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it.”
“A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still”.
“If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s goodwill.” - Ben Franklin
How to keep a disagreement from becoming an argument:
- Welcome the disagreement. Be thankful if there is some point you haven’t thought about is brought to your attention. It’s an opportunity to be corrected before you make a serious mistake
- Distrust your first instinctive impression. Our first natural reaction is to be defensive. Keep calm and watch out for your first reaction
- Control your temper. Remember, you can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry
- Listen first. Give your opponents a chance to talk before resisting, defending or debating. Don’t raise barriers. Build bridges of understanding
- Look for areas of agreement. Talk first about the points and areas on which you both agree
- Be honest. Look for areas where you can admit error and say so. Apologize for your mistakes. It disarms opponents and reduces defensiveness
- Promise to think over your opponents’ ideas and study them carefully. And mean it. Your opponents may be right. It is a lot easier at this stage to agree to think about their points than to move rapidly ahead and find yourself in a position where your opponents can say: ‘We tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen’
- Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest. Anyone who takes the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things you are. Think of them as people who really want to help you, and you may turn your opponents into friends
- Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem. Suggest that a new meeting be held later that day or the next day, when all the facts may be brought to bear. In preparation for this meeting, ask yourself some hard questions:
- Could they be right (even if partly)?
- Is there truth or merit in their position or argument?
- Is my reaction one that will relieve the problem, or will it just relieve any frustration?
- Will my reaction drive them further away or draw them closer to me?
- Does my reaction elevate the estimation good people have of me?
- Will I win or lose?
- What price will I have to pay if I win?
- If I am quiet about it, will the disagreement blow over?
- Is this difficult situation an opportunity for me?
2. Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, ‘You’re wrong’
Saying “your wrong” is “tantamount to saying: ‘I’m smarter than you are.’”
Galileo said: “You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself.”
When someone makes a statement that you know is wrong, say: ‘Well, now, look. I thought otherwise but I may be wrong. I frequently am. And if I am wrong, I want to be put right. Let’s examine the facts.’
“Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so.” — Lord Chesterfield
“You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broad-minded as you are. It will make him want to admit that he, too, may be wrong.”
“When we are wrong, we may admit it to ourselves. And if we are handled gently and tactfully, we may admit it to others and even take pride in our frankness and broad-mindedness. But not when the other part belittles us. Don’t argue with your customer or your spouse or your adversary. Use a little diplomacy. It will help you gain your point.”
“We are incredibly heedless in the formation of our beliefs, but find ourselves filled with an illicit passion for them when anyone proposes to rob us of their companionship.”
— James Harvey Robinson
“When we are wrong, we may admit it to ourselves. And if we are handled gently and tactfully, we may admit it to others and even take pride in our frankness and broad-mindedness. But not if someone is trying to ram an unpalatable fact down our oesophagus.”
“A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still.” — Anon
“Men must be taught as if you taught them not, and things unknown proposed as things forgot.” — Alexander Pope
3. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically
“When you are right, try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking. When you are wrong – and that will be surprisingly often, if you are honest with yourself – admit your mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm.”
“You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broad-minded as you are. It will make him want to admit that he, too, may be wrong.”
“By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected.”
4. Begin in a friendly way
“a drop of honey can catch more flies than a gallon of gall.” - Abraham Lincoln
5. Get the other person saying ‘yes, yes’ immediately
“Begin by emphasizing – and keep emphasizing – the things on which you agree… that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose.”
A ‘No’ response is the very difficult to overcome. Once we have said ‘no’, our pride demands that we stay consistent with ourself. Therefore, begin conversations focusing on the areas where you agree. Ask questions that would logically have a ‘Yes’ reply. This allows the conversation to flow in the affirmative direction. If you begin with a question that results in a ‘no’, the person must overcome their pride to come to a place of agreement with you. Make the journey an easy one for them. Ask a question that results in a ‘Yes’.
“he who treads softly goes far.”
6. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking
“Let other people talk themselves out. They know more about their business and problems than you do. So ask the questions. Let them tell you a few things… Don’t [interrupt]… They won’t pay attention to you while they still have a lot of ideas of their own crying for expression”.
“If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you.”
7. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers
“You have much more faith in ideas that you discover for yourself than in ideas that are handed to you.”
People trust their own ideas that they discover more than in ones handed to them.
Let others design and be invested in their own solutions.
People relish the opportunity to consult and collaborate on projects and ideas. Presenting ideas before they are finished lets them be a part and own the idea.
While this book was written before his time, here is a fitting and helpful quote: “There is no limit to the amount of good you can do if you don't care who gets the credit.” - Ronald Reagan
8. Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view
“Stop a minute to contrast your keen interest in your own affairs with your mild concerns about anything else. Realize then, that everybody else in the world feels exactly the same way! Then, along with Lincoln and Roosevelt, you will have grasped the only solid foundation for interpersonal relationships; namely, that success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other person’s viewpoint.”
“Cooperativeness in conversation is achieved when you show that you consider the other person’s ideas and feelings as important as your own. Starting your conversation by giving the other person the purpose or direction of your conversation, governing what you say by what you would want to hear if you were the listener, and accepting his or her viewpoint will encourage the listener to have an open mind to your ideas.”
Ask yourself: ‘Why should he want to do it?’
“A person usually has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good and a real one.” — J. Pierpont Morgan
9. Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires
Always begin with “I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.”
If we are honest about our own problems it helps us to be more sympathetic with others.
“Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you”.
10. Appeal to the nobler motives
“People are honest and want to discharge their obligations, the exceptions to that rule are comparatively few”.
People “will in most cases react favorably if you make them feel that you consider them honest, upright and fair”.
11. Dramatize your ideas
Don’t just state the truth; make it vivid, interesting & dramatic.
12. Throw down a challenge
“The way to get things done is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid money-getting way, but in the desire to excel.”
Money is not enough to motivate people. They need to love the work.
“That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win.”
Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment
1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation
“Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins with his work with Novocain. The patient still gets a drilling, but the Novocain is pain-killing.”
It is always easier to hear something unpleasant after we have been praised for something good.
2. Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly
Change the word ‘but’ to ‘and’.
For example: “We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term. But if you had worked harder on your algebra, the results would have been better.”
“We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term, and by continuing the same conscientious efforts next term, your algebra grade can be up with all the others.”
When we hear the word ‘but’ it makes us question the sincerity of the praise. By changing the word to ‘and’ it makes the person see the value from their perspective.
3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person
“Admitting one’s own mistakes – even when one hasn’t corrected them – can help convince somebody to change his behavior.”
“It isn’t nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable.”
When we admit our struggles, it normalizes being less than perfect. We are all works in progress. This helps the other person to receive your feedback better, and it also helps you to not be so pompous as you give it.
4. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders
“Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it often stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask.”
We can’t use leading questions, but through allowing them to be in the discussion when it lets “the other person feel the idea is his or hers.”
People will be more involved and will engage their creativity. It is a double win.
5. Let the other person save face
“I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.”
“Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face.”
6. Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be ‘hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise’ “Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement.”
Words have a profound power to change people’s lives. “we all crave appreciation and recognition, and will do almost anything to get it. But nobody wants insincerity. Nobody wants flattery.”
Praising even small improvements encourages a person to keep improving.
Both animals and humans thrive under praise instead of criticism.
When we praise. Make it specific. Specific examples comes across as sincere (which they should be).
If we can inspire people to see the hidden treasures they possess, we can do far more than change people. We can literally transform them.
7. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to
“If you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics.”
8. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct
“Be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it – and he will practice until the dawn comes in the window in order to excel.”
9. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest
Always make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
Some guidelines when you want to change someone’s behavior:
- Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver. Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person
- Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do
- Be empathetic. Ask yourself what is it the other person really wants
- Consider the benefits that the person will receive from doing what you suggest
- Match those benefits to the other person’s wants
- When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit from. An order sounds like this: ‘John, we have customers coming in tomorrow and I need the stockroom cleaned out. So sweep it out, put the stock in neat piles on the shelves and polish the counter.’ When you express the benefits: ‘John, I am bringing some customers in tomorrow to show our facilities. I would like to show them the stock-room, but it is in poor shape. If you could sweep it out, put the stock in neat piles on the shelves, and polish the counter, it would make us look efficient and you will have done your part to provide a good company image.’
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